Quick heads up: For those of you who follow and are unaware, our family moved back to Michigan from Colorado towards the end of June. It has been...a summer of crazy crazy challenges, which I hope to eventually blog about. Maybe. Clearly I do not have the best track record. So. Hopefully that explains any mention of such events in this and subsequent posts.
Tonight was the first night of the Mom's group at church. I have tried this whole "Mommy Group" thing before. Once. In the end, I got a travel mug out of the deal, so it could have been worse.
Tonight was completely different. It was eye-opening in many ways, and even convicting in others. I left really excited to go back, but I also left with a lot of memories of what things were like when my own children were much smaller. It left me with a lot of stuff to think about. So much in fact, that I'm blogging now. So, here's (some of) what I would have said if I had been speaking:
The first year of Hayden and Hannah's life is not something that I look on with a sense of overwhelming stress or unhappiness. Which is weird, because there were two of them and they were even in the NICU, but when I look back and try to remember, I don't have memories of feeling sleep-deprived or up to my eyeballs in laundry and bottles. I think that for the first year of their lives, I was so grateful that they had actually made it through the whole preemie ordeal. I know now that the chaos of having twins and even the joy at their existence masked how isolated I was becoming and how little I allowed myself to cope with all we had been through.
Shortly after their first birthday, I think it all started to catch up with me. I didn't have anything outside of my children--or really even my home. I mean, I decorated cakes at Coldstone, but I actually missed Hannah's first steps due to that. Let me tell you, that did not go over well. I started to feel...angry. And resentful. And then guilty because I felt that way. So I kept it hidden. Probably not very well. For a while I just stewed about my life and how it actually kind of sucked--and then immediately chastised myself because my precious toddlers who were now getting into EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME worked really hard to be here. I bet that isn't unusual though, for preemie parents (or any mom, really) to deny feelings of just wanting to get in the car and drive away because we were the ones who wanted them in the first place, right? It was about this time that I first became aware that God was trying to get through to me, but that would have been the healthy solution. So I just stayed resentful. And bitter. And isolated myself from a spouse who was just as stressed out as I was.
Many of you who know me, or have heard my testimony, are aware that my "Come to Jesus" moment (the BIG one, I mean) happened after I had an extramarital affair. Just typing that here makes me nervous. On one hand, I know who I am now. I know what Jesus has done in my life and I know that when He looks at me, He doesn't see that. I also know that choosing not to let that define me anymore is something I can control. I cannot, however, control your reaction. Hence the creepy feeling in my belly. I think it's important to mention it though, because otherwise the rest of this post is just a shadow of the truth.
One of the things each mom talked about tonight were mistakes they had made when their children were younger. They talked about learning from their mistakes and all of the things that go with hindsight being 20/20. As a mom who makes mistakes, I can definitely relate to that.
However, in reflecting on my life as a mom when my children were toddlers, I was startled to recognize that not all things have been forgiven. At least by me. I can forgive myself for being a wife who was willing to disregard my marital vows. I can forgive myself for being the kind of "friend" that disregarded the feelings of others. One particular other, in fact (besides my hubby of course). I can even forgive myself for deliberately turning my back on God, even though I knew how desperately He was trying to reach me during that time. I can do that, because God has forgiven me. One night, very late, I carried all of that garbage to God and just left it at the cross. He took it and He even brought good out of it and now I work in ministry! That's another post for another day, though. ;)
What I struggle to forgive, however, is the type of mommy I was during that time. Sin is a gateway for even more sin, is it not? I was the kind of mommy who couldn't wait for nap time so I could get on the phone. I was the type of mommy who screamed at her husband and didn't worry about who was listening because they were little. I was the type of mommy who left as often as possible to be with someone else's family. I was the type of mommy who was so preoccupied with myself that my child had a total of four Yahtzee chips in his mouth before I realized what was going on, and to this day, I still don't know if he ever managed to swallow one. I was a mommy who took every tantrum, every accident--every bad day--as an excuse to continue what I was doing. Lots of mommies worry that they aren't being the best mommy they can be, but let me assure you, I was pretty justified in that thinking at the time.
It's strange, because at the beginning of sitting down to write this post, I thought I'd end this blog on the note of "still working on it, kind of a Debbie Downer about this right now" but I think I am totally going to go in a different direction. Because God is totally awesome and has just pointed out something incredibly cool to me. Literally right now. This is "real time" epiphany, people.
My actions were bad. I can't excuse them, and I am certainly not trying to do so now. But as another mom shared tonight, God can take anything and use it for good. So instead, looking back, I can see that the mistakes I made as a person actually led me to Christ. Which is pretty sweet just on its own. It also led to God opening my heart about my marriage and our family. I can see pretty clearly now the process that led me to the person I am today, both as a wife and mother. And friend. I'd like to think I'm a much better friend now, too.
I think I got a lot more out of tonight's group than a few laughs and some really good brownies. I think mothers do a huge disservice to themselves and to each other when we try to pretend that being a follower of Christ and a mommy doesn't allow for being overwhelmed or feeling anxious and depressed. It's what we do with those feelings that matter. I am happy to be the kind of person who looks for an outlet like a group at church for those feelings now. And honestly, it was all because God took the bad and used it for good. Who knew that my emo moment would lead to a really important God moment?! And that makes me kinda excited to go back. Even if I didn't get a travel mug this time.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 (NLT)
