Stuck in the Middle With You

I...am in limbo. In so many ways. Music, as if often does, has caused me to reflect recently on my life and I have come to the conclusion that my dreams and my reality have resulted in a stalemate. Let's discuss, shall we?

Colorado. Despite the fact that the winds are blowing at a truly alarming rate as I sit here typing this blog, I can admire the beauty of Colorado. Mountains, sunshine, cute little prairie dogs...I see it. It's great. Good for you, Colorado. Perhaps as I'm waving goodbye, I'll ignore your crazy libertarian ways and terrifying drivers. However, I truly hope to be saying goodbye soon. As in, yesterday. Our hearts are simply not here. This is made obvious by the fact that even my son has been known to say, "We live in Michigan." There are so many things I could be doing--and doing well, I might add!!!----in another state. That preferably does not even border Colorado. I should probably mention (in the interest of fairness) that living so close to my brother and his wife has been a blessing. I have come to realize that they are both really cool people, and her family in particular has made sure we've felt included now that my own parents are on the other side of that rather large pond known as the Atlantic Ocean.

Radio. Oh, radio. I love you. The day God introduced you into my life was a day I will never forget. The station I work for is amazing. And I am so sad that I am just a "tracker," recording a show in my room after the kids go to bed (or, far more likely, in the morning approximately half an hour before the first break is due). I have HUGE things I would love to do at that station, were I there. I mean. Epic. I miss the camaraderie of that station--the people, the listeners, I even miss sitting on the back of that convertible waving in parades, while people all wondered who I was. More importantly, I feel God has called me to work in the radio ministry. What I struggle with however, is the capacity. Right now, it is minimal, at best. I blogged a loooooong while back about sending a demo into a station here. Clearly, that did not work out or I would totally be bragging about it right now. So for now, my amazing radio station has to be enough. And the occasional skype chats with this guy. Not my total dream, but a step in that direction, nonetheless.

School. School is...cool. Seriously, kids. I like school. I am good at this whole "analyze the law" thing. However, right now I am currently paying someone else to give me the privilege of analyzing the law. And let's be honest. The stuff they're letting us do in class will probably never occur during any paralegal career I have. So...it's a good "middle," but it's that whole journey thing again. No point A reaching Point B. Yet.

My sister. My sister. How do I explain my heart when I think of my sister? She got married last Thursday, and it felt...like goodbye. Like we were sending her off into a world we could no longer be a part of. I miss my sister, and yet I never really had her. I have always envied the relationships of sisters on television. You know. The "over-sharing" types. My sister is five years younger than I am, and I believe that my lack of being awesome when she was younger has created some of my current sadness at our relationship. I find myself in this strange quasi-relationship that is neither genuine nor satisfying. I have to believe that things will not always be this way, but at this stage in the journey, I doubt my ability to forge the bond I want to have with her. To share in her life, instead of just being a distant observer. This created so much tension and sadness that it was actually quite difficult to stand as her maid of honor last Thursday. There have been many, many moments when I've had to seek forgiveness, and I am sure that this very situation will require that of me at some point. There are so many emotions wrapped up in this relationship---sadness, anger, confusion, and this unrelenting guilt that I have created this situation over a lifetime of...well, a lot of regrets. I should have been a different sister, a better sister. I know that through God all things are possible. I know it isn't too late. The struggle now though, despite my own shortcomings and responsibility, is to actually embrace the concept of forgiveness when it comes to others. Simple, right? Just...forgive. For me though, the very act of needing to forgive instead of ask for forgiveness makes me feel ashamed. Who am I to say I've been wronged? Am I really comfortable throwing stones from my glass house?

In short (perhaps you should have just skipped to this part)...I am in a moment of doubt. And I hate that. When things are amazing, I praise God like nobody's business. When things are in extreme turmoil, I hold onto God so tightly that I don't even care about the darkness--just the end of the tunnel He's promised to see me through. What is it about the mundane middle that gets me to question so much? Will I ever work in radio in the way I want to work in radio? Does God really want us here, in Colorado? Have I ignored my "true calling" by not taking a giant leap of faith? Will I ever have the relationship with my sister that I so desperately crave?

Oddly enough, it was my sister and her new husband who reminded me that God is in control. On the night of the rehearsal dinner they gave us each a gift. Inside my bag was a beautifully etched bible verse---Jeremiah 29:11. Even then, in the face of all this unrest, God called to me that night. I actually found myself tearing up as I read those precious, precious words. "I know the plans I have for you." I have to believe that God has a plan for all of this---Colorado, school, radio, and even---especially---my sister.

We're supposed to enjoy the journey more than the destination anyway, right?