Sing It Out

Yesterday, I got really good news. I mean, really good. Epic even. I sat in my car--in the rain, which by the way, totally captured the gravity of the moment--and stared at this good news. In a moment that is truly rare for me, I had no words. I couldn't think of a single thing to utter out loud, even to myself. So I did the only thing I could. I raised my hands up to the sky...and I wept.

Until the moment when I sat there with huge waves of relief rolling over me, I hadn't even realized I had been carrying a burden at all. Sometimes, and I think I may not be the only person who feels this way, I try really hard to deny stress. Christians don't need stress---we have Jesus!! And He totally said he would carry our burdens!! So put it down!! And move on!!! Right.

I started thinking of all the ways, that I (as a Christian) deal with stress. Being a believer doesn't make us immune to stress or, more aptly put, crisis. It just means we have Someone to tell. Someone who cares in a way that cannot be fully comprehended. There are starving people all over the world, wars, famine--the list truly goes on. But yesterday, in my car? God was totally there. Because He has time for all the junk that makes up this life. I read a friend's blog today that really had me pondering how I deal with the moments I'm actually aware of. You know. The Cry Out To Jesus Moments. For ease of reading, I came up with a "Top Five Things I Tell Myself/Do When Life Kinda Starts to Suck."

5. God has a plan.

Don't you want to just punch people in the face when they say that sometimes? I mean, really. Surely there are enough words in this language that we can stop using these trite little antidotes. But. It's also true. God really does have a plan. There is a purpose in suffering, even if you don't ever get to understand that purpose.

4. Why? Because you can handle it.

We used to have this friend, and I am not kidding---life just seemed way too...easy. To the point where we would have conversations about this friend late into the night. It was downright creepy. Of us, I mean. Not the friend. For a long time, I even told myself that maybe it was because this friend totally could not handle anything too hard or difficult. There are two things I eventually learned:

1. It's rude to think of your friends that way. I mean, really really rude. And chances are that there were lots of things I didn't know about that were plenty painful and difficult. So. That wasn't a great thing to learn about myself, but it was clearly necessary.

2. The stuff you're going through now...really isn't going to break you. I can't even begin to answer the "Why is this happening to me?" question. There are really well educated people on this earth who can't answer that either. But I do know that every hardship, every crisis, every single moment where I have seriously wondered how to survive a particular circumstance, I did. I survived. I usually walked out of that battle with stronger relationships too. I may not have gotten the outcome I wanted, but I walked away. And it left me strong enough to face the next moment. And the next. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. So when I find myself asking the Why?, it doesn't take too long to remember that for me, the easiest way to answer that question is: because you can. And He'll make sure of it.

3. Pray

God is not stupid. He already knows anyway, so you might as well tell Him.

I feel like this sort of goes without saying, but sometimes I pray for such big things that I forget about the little stuff too. Like, when I really want to pray for a winning lottery ticket because I need to pay the utility bill, when I should really pray that an actual person answers the phone at the Utility Company. This one actually worked once, by the way. I got a a real person and she restored my faith in utility workers everywhere.

2. Sing It Out

I stole this from Switchfoot. Great, great song. I have discovered that some people are just better than me at choosing words. This is especially true when I need to find a way to let God know that even though I am not happy, I still praise Him. I drove to the hospital once, tears pouring down my face (have I mentioned I cry? a lot?) and I immediately cranked the radio. Barlow Girl sang "Beautiful Ending," and I just whispered, "God is good," to myself over and over. I couldn't pray the words, so I sang them instead.

1. Jesus wept.

I am totally taking this verse out of context. But I don't care. Because those two words are incredibly powerful. Sometimes, the other four things on this list just. do. not. work. I try and try but I can't break free from the overwhelming feelings of sadness and despair. So. I just remind myself that Jesus cried. And that reminds me that my hurt is not felt just by me. There is Another who feels that hurt. There is a strange sort of comfort in that--in knowing that God doesn't just know your sadness, He feels it too.

The only thing I can really compare it to, is the day I went to Eddy's funeral. Eddy was a friend of mine from high school, and he died when he was nineteen years old. In a way that nobody should ever have to die. When that happened, I wanted my grief to just be mine. I didn't want to share it with anyone that day. I was an island. Until a friend walked up and grabbed my hand. And we cried.

So. Maybe this list isn't foolproof. But it's enough for me to know that when all other options fail, I can share that pain. All I need to do is raise my hands up to the sky...and cry.